This isn't about me being a pushover, or pretending to be someone I'm not. This is about feeling unfulfilled.
I'm the good guy. At least that's what I like to think. I realized early on that friends are very similar to a commodity or investment. You put the work in to acquire and maintain the relationship with them, eventually it gets you somewhere. Hopefully it gets you somewhere better than you were. So when I made friends, I really put the time and effort in to keep them happy, to make me worth keeping around.
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to help my friends. I want to see them succeed, to be happy, to be better. And sometimes I can do better than the effort I put in.
But after a while, being resourceful, being kind, and being supportive gets tiring. I know I probably am appreciated by my friends, but it certainly doesn't feel like that. When I'm hanging out with friends, I feel increasingly more like a standby resource than I do an actual person with feelings. I don't feel like I can actually talk to my friends about my personal emotions, the struggles I go through, or just wanting to hang out so I don't feel so goddamn lonely.
I know it's irrational to feel this way, that it's a subset of anxiety or paranoia of not being liked by my peers that's driving me to see this situation as I do. And yes, the knowledge of this helps me cope with my situation a little better, but I can absolutely tell you that it's just slowing an inevitable need to leave my life behind. Start Fresh Over....
At the end of it, as selfish as it may be, I just want to feel appreciated and welcome. But for all my misgivings, at least for the moment, I don't feel like I know who I'm supposed to be or where I belong. That's what makes me angry.
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