I realized when analyzing my life that in my head I'm pretty judgemental.
I'm always looking at what people are wearing in public, how they look, how their hairs done. I sort of analyze everyone I see and rate them in my mind about how attractive they are.
I'm by no means handsome or attractive myself but I just have this bad habit of always thinking about other people. I know you can't judge someone by their looks and when first meeting them. I do it anyway without realizing. And when I catch myself I still do it anyway. I just am aware of it.
I do this with things people like, how they behave and how they act too.
Despite this I've always been nice to everyone and never been mean to someone based off a negative judgemental I've had. People always have called me nice. I've probably passed over some good people however.
I'm 21 and just worry how much my social life has been influenced by my judgements. My friends are all fairly attractive, good weight, like the same things as me, dress similar, similar tastes, etc. I just get scared this is no coincidence and its from my negative judgements of other people.
I haven't turned down a friend on how they look exclusively. But I have passed over people nicely I didn't think would make a good friend that perhaps if I gave more of a chance I would have been proven wrong.
I have made friends un expectantly and I'm OK with that. But I can't help but think I still judge slightly in my day to day life.
I also just feel bad that there are personality and other traits in people I know I prefer.
I feel bad that the way some people act and some people are just inherently make me feel more comfortable and myself.
I just look at my friends and feel like I don't deserve them.
Why should they know someone like me that's perhaps been a little too judgey.
They are all great people and I'm glad to have them but I just feel terrible realizing this and feel bad everyday around them. Like I don't deserve any of my life.
I'm aware of this now and trying to remember this when thinking and making decisions. But its hard. I feel like I need to be 100% accepting of anything and everything from a friend.
I feel guilty that despite this I can't help but feel like certain traits in people and things I like about people make me happier than other traits. I'm not talking exclusively looks. But just people's way of talking. Attention to themselves. What they like.
I just feel like an asshole.
I don't know how much is normal and how much is me being an asshole?
I feel bad now for trying to find an attractive partner too after knowing how I am. Looks aren't everything but I need to be attracted.
I try to be as nice and friendly as possible but some things in people I really prefer about them and like. And some things in people I just don't like, even if its slightly selfish.
I feel even worse that I can't just change overnight. I feel like I need to be a whole new person to be any good in the world.