I Hate Myself

I don't know if I'm just depressed all the time or bored, I don't know what I want in life and I hate it. I hate not knowing, never being sure, unless there is something in front of me that is undeniable in the moment.

I don't like lying, I don't like cheating, I don't like being this person... but I don't feel anything unless it's something like that. I want to find something that makes me feel alive and right now it only seems to be the bad stuff.

I have to accept that I am driven by emotions, that I am immature in that I cannot stand my ground in adult decisions that I've made. I am an adult... I'm 21. I should have my shit together and be able to hold myself back from doing stupid, heartless things like this.

I suck as a person and I don't know how to fix it. I'm a horrible person and I fear I always will be.